Un-Self-Developing My Life

I’ve been working on myself for years. But at what point is it enough?

I started my self-development journey back in 2021—healing, evolving, building discipline, rewiring my brain, and breaking free from an old self-concept that didn’t serve me. It was exhausting. When you’re changing on a fundamental level, it takes everything out of you. The way you think, the way you feel, the way you move through life, it all has to shift.

I had no clue what my paradigm even was, let alone how to rebuild a new one. I didn’t know how to acknowledge my emotions, let alone process them and shift them into something positive. All I knew was that I couldn’t keep living in the mental and emotional box that had been given to me by society, by old experiences, by past versions of myself. I wanted more for my life. I wanted to reach my fullest potential. And I knew I couldn’t do that as the person I was—I had to evolve.

And so I did. But evolving required extreme focus.

I couldn’t afford to slip up. I had to watch my every thought, every move. I learned how to regulate my emotions, how to stay on guard for anything that would pull me back into old habits. I policed my mind constantly, redirecting negative thoughts before they could take root. It was an entire SHIFT gurl, day in and day out.

It had to be.

I was unlearning 20 years of conditioning.

And it worked. At some point, I became that confident, disciplined, self-trusting version of myself. But that’s when I realized… I had locked myself into a new box.

I had spent so much time fighting against my old patterns that I became terrified of falling back into them. I overanalyzed everything. I was too self-aware. I wouldn’t let myself relax, wouldn’t let myself make mistakes. I had escaped one mental prison just to build another one.

That’s when I knew—self-development wasn’t just about becoming a better version of yourself. At some point, you have to allow yourself to live as that person.

I still journal, still reflect, still have to re-direct my thoughts at times—but only when I need to, not as a way to control every thought. I don’t overanalyze my every move. I let myself make mistakes and trust that I’ll learn from them. I remind myself that I’m 23—this is the time to live, to take risks, to see the world. So I’m saying yes to new things without obsessing over how they’ll serve my “highest self,” putting myself out there without calculating how it’ll impact my healing journey. I’m letting life be lived…not constantly measured.

Because when you trust yourself, you don’t need to control everything. You can let go and still know that you’ll come back to yourself. You’ll meet yourself in new experiences, in different cultures, in unexpected moments.

I trust that if I make a mistake, I’ll grow from it. I trust that if something doesn’t go as planned, it’s for a reason. I trust that everything I’ve built within myself will always be there, guiding me.

So now, I’m letting go. Not of my values, not of my dreams, but of the fear that I’ll lose myself if I stop trying so hard.

The Loneliness of Growth & The Fear of “Losing Yourself”

When you’re in your self-development era, everything feels personal. You’re in the trenches with your mind, your habits, your thoughts—rewiring everything to become your best self. It’s intense, and a lot of people isolate themselves in the process.

Because when you’re trying to grow, the last thing you want is outside noise.

• People pulling you in different directions.

• People who don’t get it, telling you you’ve changed.

• Situations that test your discipline when you just got it under control.

So you do what feels safest: You withdraw. You hyper-focus. You protect yourself.

And for a while, it’s completely necessary.

But here’s where a lot of us get stuck:

Once we’ve changed, once we’ve built this new self, we don’t trust the world with it.

We’re scared to go back out there because:

• What if I fall back into old habits?

• What if I lose myself again?

• What if this new version of me isn’t enough?

But the whole point of self-growth isn’t to stay in the cocoon forever—it’s to become someone who can live fully, love fully, connect fully, and still be grounded in who they are.

At some point, you have to trust that you won’t lose yourself again.

Growth isn’t just about protecting yourself from the past, it’s about stepping into the future with confidence.

Your self-development era prepared you. Now it’s time to live.

Think about it:

• You’ve built self-awareness.

• You’ve developed new habits.

• You’ve learned to regulate your emotions.

You’re no longer just “becoming” someone.
You are that person.

So now, the challenge isn’t “How do I keep growing?”, it’s “How do I live as this person?”

And that means stepping back into the world. Taking risks. Making mistakes. Letting yourself be seen.

It means:
✧ Letting yourself have fun without overanalyzing every move.
✧ Creating deep friendships without fear of losing yourself in them.
✧ Trusting that if something does knock you off course, you have the tools to realign.

This is the next level of your self-development journey: learning to be in the world without letting it shape you into something you’re not.

Because once you’ve built that foundation, once you’ve become someone who is self-aware, who can navigate their emotions, you will always grow. Growth becomes inevitable. You will evolve through every experience, every challenge, and every hardship, not because you’re desperately trying to, but because your level of consciousness is higher now. You see things differently. You are different.

The Perfectionism That Comes with Self-Development

You know what’s funny? The most beautiful moments in life are never the ones where everything goes perfectly. They’re the messy, unfiltered, unexpected moments, the ones where you weren’t overthinking, just vibing.

Like when you’re traveling, and the best memories aren’t the perfectly planned itineraries but the times you got lost in a new city, laughed with strangers, or almost missed your train. It’s the moments when you’re a little unhinged, a little unprepared, but fully alive.

I used to think self-development was about being in control all the time—saying the right thing, always showing up as my “highest self.” But some of the most real moments of my life have been the ones where I did everything wrong. Where I giggled too much, stumbled over my words, and left feeling a little embarrassed but somehow full. Because life isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being present.

That’s what I’m leaning into now. Less overanalyzing, more experiencing. Less control, more trust.

Make Yourself Your Own Safe Space

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that you have to become your own safe space. That’s the key to navigating life without letting it mold you into someone you’re not. When you have that internal safety, you can come back home to yourself after a hard day. You can sit with discomfort and still comfort yourself. You can validate your own experience instead of chasing it from others.

Being your own safe space means you can bounce back when you fall off track. It’s what grounds you and grows you—it’s the very thing that allows you to evolve while navigating the world.

And the truth is… not everyone will care for you the way you wish they would. It’s actually unfair to expect people to fully understand your pain, your past, or your patterns. Even those who love you can’t feel what you feel as deeply as you do. That’s why building a relationship with yourself is non-negotiable.

A few years ago, I made a promise to myself:
"Bahja, No matter what happens, I will never turn on myself.”
Not even if the world does. Not even if I mess up. Because the moment you abandon yourself is when you allow your experiences to define you.

It’s not just what happens to us that shapes us—it’s the story we tell ourselves about what happened, and who we are because of it.

Your tools?
✧ Journaling—write to yourself, like you would to someone you love. Tell yourself it’s okay. Tell yourself you’re proud. Tell yourself you forgive yourself for the moments you didn’t know better.
✧ Voice notes or video diaries—look at yourself and say, “I’m still worthy. My feelings are valid. I can bounce back.”

This is what keeps you grounded. This is what keeps you you—in a world that’s constantly trying to shape you. You don’t need to overthink every little thing when you trust yourself to come back home, no matter what.

Build the Foundation, Then Play the Game

Your Checklist to Un-Self-Developing Your Life

The goal isn’t to overanalyze—it’s to live intentionally. You’ve done the inner work. Now it’s time to trust yourself and move differently.

Step 1 - Build Your Inner Foundation (Know Yourself)

Know your values → What do you stand for? What’s non-negotiable?
Define your morals → What guides your decisions and actions?
Clarify your vision for the future → Where are you going? What do you truly want?
Create a safe space within yourself → Can you trust yourself to come back home to you, no matter what?

And girls… I have something to help you with this. My Becoming Her Notion template was made for this exact process—to help you build your foundation, trust yourself, and step into the life you’ve been working for.

Step 2 - Get Out of Your Head & Into the World

Catch yourself overanalyzing → Ask: Is this real, or is this fear talking?
Ask “Do I trust myself?” → If you do, let go. If you don’t, revisit your foundation (Step 1).
Detach from the outcome → You don’t need to control everything. Experience, learn, adjust.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes → Mistakes don’t erase growth; they expand it.
Lean into experiences → If it aligns with your values and vision, say yes.

Step 3 - Play the D*mn Game

Say yes to new opportunities → Even when you don’t feel 100% “ready.”
Stop watching from the sidelines → Engage, participate, be part of the world.
Put yourself out there → Friendships, career moves, travel, romance, whatever calls you.
Take risks, but stay aligned → Trust your gut. If it feels wrong, you’ll know.
Make life fun again → You didn’t grow just to protect yourself—you grew to enjoy life.

When in doubt, ask yourself:
➝ Am I making this decision out of fear or trust?
➝ Am I shrinking myself or expanding into who I’m meant to be?
➝ If I knew everything would work out, what would I do?

♡

There’s never an end goal for self-development or growth, you have so much life ahead of you. As long as your foundation is locked in, you’ll always find your way. The goal isn’t to obsess over becoming your best self; it’s to live with intention, to be present. When you do that, every experience, every day, becomes an opportunity to meet yourself deeper.

Don’t let something that was meant to free you from the shackles of your past be the very thing that keeps you stuck. Growth should feel expansive, not restrictive.

Someone once told me, 'Stop gatekeeping yourself from the world,' and it stuck with me. I didn’t realize how much I was doing it until I finally let go. So I’m telling you all the same.

Love you all,
Bahja